What a week it was!
– Re-create England’s pre-Euro 96 escapades with the ‘dentist-chair’, check.
– Witness one human deliberately eat another human’s sick, check.
– Equal the Oakland A’s 2002 winning streak of 20 games, check.
Like I said, what a week! The two former tales are obviously textbook ‘Football do’ night out behaviour. No rules apply, anything goes, disguised under the pretence of banter. The latter is the result of 18 months of data collation, a scientific formula and an unnatural love for the film ‘Moneyball’. No banter here.
Sunday 11th December, where it all started. I remember it clearly a.) because it was under two weeks ago and b.) it was the first time in my life I actually felt it possible to die from an overdose of calcium (too many Malibu & Milks obviously). I’m sure I don’t need to remind you of the game… Regionalliga West’s Schalke 04 II v Sportfreunde Siegen. If Bayern v Dortmund is categorised as a Heavyweight bout, this could be no more than Super Flyweight. That aside, the game ended 1-0 and The Panel had their first win of the streak.
For the next 6 days the robot would scale the world, from Derby to De Janeiro, Egypt to Eredivisie through Amsterdam and Panionios, twice. Winner after winner after winner. Only Aladdin could’ve scouted more countries in the same time, and I bet he had a monkey on the Ludogorets v Cherno More game.
Ignoring the impossible, if you started with £10, were able to get the optimum price of 3/10 and rolled over your winnings onto the next bet each time, you’d have exactly £1900.50. That’s a lot of Malibu & Milk. Don’t get me wrong, this will not happen every week. But with more analysis and data collation and less Paul Gascoigne and sick eating, we could eventually break the Oakland A’s record of over 20 consecutive wins.
Look at us as your card counter at the blackjack table, your Pete Brand (Paul DePodesta for genuine baseball fans) at the first draft, and fundamentally, turn the bookmakers odds in our favour and make some serious money.
One’s to watch:
Stranraer v Airdrie (Saturday 13:00 – Scottish League 1)
13:00 – Wake Up.
13:15 – First Beer.
13:20 – Second Beer.
14:00 – Receive Tweet.
14:02 – Place bet.
14:05 – Win bet.
14:06 – Third Beer.
Watford v Crystal Palace (Monday 12:30 – Premier League)
Expect the Lynx Africa gift set to be worth it’s weight in gold throughout this one. Boxing Day, early kick off, London derby, seem like the perfect ingredients for a cagey football match. It’s not usually until the second half where Crystal Palace take the rifle and direct it at their own feet, and let’s hope that happens sooner rather than later. Don’t worry if you manage to exhaust all of the deodorant whilst you nervously wait… you’ve got 10 more.
Newcastle v Sheffield Wednesday (Monday 19:45 – Championship)
In true European style, the rest of the continent head off for their mid-season siesta. Here we are, in the gods at St James Park watching Paul Walsh trial his 63rd new hairstyle/glasses combo, spluttering his way through his allotted 30 seconds of match analysis:
“Not much really going on Jeff”.
No shots? No dangerous tackles? No half-chances?
“The Geordies have got their shirts off though Jeff”
Oh piss off Paul.
Anyway, those sweet words uttered by Paul Walsh is exactly what we want to hear throughout the first half of this game. And expect it. The last/only two times these teams have met, the game has ended 1-0 with both times the goals being scored in the second half. Sheffield Wednesday are solid at the back, Newcastle are solid at the front. Lets hope this Yin and Yang lasts at least 45 minutes, but no more than 55.